Praise and Prayer

As always God is the faithful Provider. And as always my friends and family have generously shown their support. I am SO excited to share that I have reached my fundraising goal for India! Praise God! Tickets have been purchased and we are going! And I get an extra special side trip to spend time with some wonderful cousins out east before I go! I will be flying to spend time with Paul and Christine and their five amazing kids (I cannot wait for the huge hugs I know I will be getting from Sally!) on January 9th. The flight to India got moved back just a little bit so I will be flying out of Newark on January 14th now. I'll be in India until January 25th. Then I'll fly back to Denver and start my spring semester on the 26th! I think one of the prayer requests is obvious... Please be praying for some supernatural energy and strength in the midst of that crazy return and jet lag! But also please be praying for the people we'll be with in India. Pray that their hearts are open to us and our hearts are open to them. May we work well together and learn so much from them about how to do ministry with all sorts of kids. Please be praying for me to listen to God's leading and anything He is trying to teach me on this trip- both the expected and the unexpected. Thank you for walking in this with me and for supporting me! I am so grateful for every single one of you and I can't wait to share more with you about my trip to India!

Praising Him in the Preparation

Hello all! So I'm about two months away from heading to India and I wanted to welcome you all to praise God with me for what He has done so far! YAY! Thanks to many of you, I have raised enough money for plane tickets! Which is the majority (about ⅔) of the money I need to raise. So that's pretty exciting. But I still need about $1,000 more to be able to get and stay places once I land. And eat. So please join me in prayer that it will come in before I head out!

Another exciting bit of news- one of my best friends decided last week that she will be coming on the trip as well! And I am SO excited! Some of you know Sarah Agamah. She's awesome. I was already so excited about this trip, but to be sharing it with Sarah is going to be amazing. She is a huge encouragement and a blessing in my life and I am so grateful for this time with her! I know she will bring encouragement and love to many while we are in India. So praise the Lord for leading her to do this and allowing us to walk together in it! Please be praying that He is preparing our hearts and minds to do whatever He leads us to do during our time there. Thank you for joining me on this next adventure!

India

Hey everyone! So it's been ages since I've posted and even longer since it's been a post like this... it is definitely time for it. I am going to India! January 13-25. I am SO excited. A few support letters have been sent out, but if you have not received one and are interested in receiving one, please let me know! However, this post will probably end up containing more info than the letter. So here's what happened.

When I was with YWAM the first time (2009) I met an awesome woman named Brenda. She was our speaker for a week. I recently reconnected with her on Facebook because she was with some of my friends at the San Pedro, DR YWAM base. Suddenly one day I saw a post by her mentioning that if anyone else was interested in the India trip she was leading, just message her. My heart jumped and I knew I was going on that trip. I had no information about it and knew (still know) nothing about India, but God just moved my heart immediately. So I messaged her and asked for info. She sent me the itinerary and I immediately replied, "Yeah, so, I'm coming." This trip fits with my heart so well. We will be flying into Delhi and working at a children's home. Then we will be moving to Pune and working with four different children's homes- one for children of prostitutes, one for children with HIV, one for street children, and one for slum children. I was blown away by this. As many of you know I am passionate about children, especially in the area of orphan care. When I saw that this trip would bring me to five different children's ministries for children in five different types of situations I knew I would be learning so much and benefitting any future ministry I participate in. I also have never been to Asia, so I will be learning how children's ministry is done in a whole new part of the world and be able to incorporate that into my previous understanding.

I don't have very much information beyond this because it is a relatively informal trip. I am not going through any organization. It's really just led by Brenda as she has many years of experience in the places we will be going. India has her heart and she has spent much of her life there. She wants to share that with as many people as she can. She has connections there with people we can come alongside and work with and maybe offer some rest.

I am so excited for this next step in my journey and I welcome all who are interested to walk alongside me. I will be posting on here as things happen in preparation. Maybe not during the trip (I really don't know what to expect), but I will definitely post after. In the midst of all this, I certainly appreciate any prayer. I am a little nervous (but mostly excited) about going to a part of the world I have never been to. I don't know anything about the customs and culture there, so I will be studying up. If any of you want to share any of your experience, I will gladly receive it!

Peace and joy to all of you! Thanks for reading :)

You Are Special

I know I just posted, but...
So I've been reading a large amount of children's books lately. I actually love children's books and have a few favorites on my shelf. I've found with a couple of them that the more I read them, the more beautifully and deeply they speak to me. Every time I read, I notice something new. And I also understand hard topics better. For example today this book that I'm about to write out for you struck me with how simply it explains grace and acceptance. I know most of the people who read my blog have kids and have certainly read their share of children's books. But I also know that the books you've read over and over again can seem mundane or simple until something makes you remember just how incredible they are. So I wanted to share a story. It's one that I'm sure many of you have read. The moral of the story is easy to understand in theory- it doesn't matter what people think about you, it just matters what God thinks. Perhaps I've ruined the ending, but I think starting with that ending in mind allows you to appreciate the journey that the book takes you on and the grace that is offered in it. Notice new details. Realize the sad and joyous truths in this book. Let it pour over you. Let's begin:

The Wemmicks were small wooden people. All of the wooden people were carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village. Each Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village.
And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people spent their days sticking stars or dots on one another. The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots.
The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big words or could sing pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars. Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good! It made them want to do something else and get another star. Others, though, could do little. They got dots.
Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots. Sometimes when he fell, his wood got scratched, so the people would give him more dots. Then when he would try to explain why he fell, he would say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots. After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside. He was afraid he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one for no reason at all.
"He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another. "He's not a good wooden person." After a while Punchinello believed them. "I'm not a good Wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them.
One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lucia. It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick. Some of the Wemmicks admired Lucia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Others would look down on her for having no stars, so they would giver her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either.
That's the way I want to be, thought Punchinello. I don't want anyone's marks. So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it. "It's easy," Lucia replied. "Every day I go see Eli." "Eli?" "Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him." "Why?" "Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there." And with that the Wemmick who had no stickers turned and skipped away.
"But will he want to see me?" Punchinello cried out. Lucia didn't hear. So Punchinello went home. He sat near a window and watched the wooden people as the scurried around giving each other stars and dots. "It's not right," he muttered to himself. And he decided to go see Eli.
He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into the big shop. His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything. The stool was as tall as he was. He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm. Punchinello swelled hard. "I'm not staying here!" and he turned to leave. Then he heard his name. "Punchinello?" The voice was deep and strong. Punchinello stopped. "Punchinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you." Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman. "You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked. "Of course I do. I made you."
Eli stopped down and picked him up and set him on the bench. "Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he looked at the gray dots. "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." "I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard." "Oh you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." "You don't?" "No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give you stars or dots? They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special."
Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?" Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me." Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this- much less his maker. He didn't know what to say.
"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained. "I came because I met someone who had no marks," said Punchinello. "I know. She told me about you." "Why don't the stickers stay on her?" The maker spoke softly. "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them." "What?" "The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers." "I'm not sure I understand."
Eli smiled, "You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care." Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground. "Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door, "you are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes." Punchinellow didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, I think he really means it. And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.

Come ye weary, heavy laden, bruised and broken by the fall. If you tarry til you're better, you will never come at all. I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms. And in the arms of my dear Savior, oh there are ten thousand charms!

Memories- assorted thoughts that may mean nothing, or may speak to the depths of your soul

It's amazing the way memories work. I have a horrible memory. Ask my best friend Becca. She's always annoyed with me because I don't remember some key moment of our friendship.
Or ask my mom. Every time we talk I forget between one and three things that I wanted to say before I get a chance to say them. She loves it (this is an outright lie). Yet, there are so many random meaningless details of my life that I remember. There are so many things that I want to forget that I can't. There are things that trigger the smallest, most forgotten memory, as well as the memories I keep trying to let go. Sometimes it's a piece of clothing. Sometimes it's a TV show. Sometimes a story line or a location or a coffee mug or another person or a word. In my Crisis and Disaster course I learned that smell is the strongest trigger to bring someone back to their moment of trauma. How crazy is that?! Smell! Anything can trigger a memory.

Yet at the same time, in that moment that the memory is being triggered, we are in the present, making new memories. These don't change the old. Sometimes it feels like the new memory slightly dims the old one. Other times it feels like it brings the old memory flying into your face stronger than ever. But it ties the two together somehow. It's interesting, this idea of being in the present and past at the same time and from there stepping into a new future. It is just another of the balancing acts of life I suppose. So how do we balance it? We don't live in the memories. But we don't block them out. How do we allow them to inform our lives now and guide our future steps?

Some memories are people. Relationships. Past friends. How do you let go of someone you've walked beside? But how do you hold on to every person who has ever been important to you? Many people have impacted me deeply and are no longer a part of my life. How do I honor the memory of our friendship and the blessing they gave me and hold onto them, while still moving forward? Or how do I keep them in my life? How do we balance our multitudes of relationships while valuing each? Ah, this paragraph will be a post on its own one day, so for now I move on.

Memories seem to me to be inconsistent in strength, meaning, and sometimes even the event itself. They ebb and flow with the movement of daily life like a wave. They're here and then gone. They come strongly in response to a trigger one day, but another day the same trigger brings nothing. Some days the memory has a different flavor to it, one I'd never noticed before. There's so much depth to our memories and I often want to dive into that. Yet there's so much depth to our present- the place in which we are currently living- that needs our attention. We cannot benefit from our past at the expense of our present. But how do we bring them together?

I guess this was one big pondering for you all to join in with me. To close I quote one of my favorite books of all time:

You'll get mixed up, of course, 
as you already know. 
You'll get mixed up 
with many strange birds as you go. 
So be sure when you step. 
Step with care and great tact 
and remember that Life's 
a Great Balancing Act. 
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. 
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

PS...

While my previous blog remains entirely true and needs to exist, I feel like it left a negative feel in the air even with the redeeming end. And our world needs a heck of a lot more joy and hope and gratitude and a heck of a lot less negativity. So for that I say to God in the presence of all of you:

I am thankful for:
The Wheaton college van currently parked outside my roommate's window! WHAT!
The fact that I have a way in to creep on them and see who's here!
My group experience group who have been faithful friends since class forced us together ;)
My incredible church and all the ways that I get to be involved
My two beautiful mentors who walk through life with me
The incredible house full of women that I get to live with and learn from
The fact that on a street where many people don't have homes, I have not only a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, but a place to do laundry, eat food, and shower in warm water
The three cousins that I get to live near (despite how rarely I see them) and the new life that one of them is about to bring about in the next few weeks/days
The amazing 2 and 3 year old boys that I get to spend most of my week with, the way we learn together, laugh together, and see through new eyes because of each other
The incredible friends that God pulled together to Denver from all areas of my life including Wheaton Christian Grammar School, Wheaton College (even CE!), YWAM, and my entire childhood and through high school years (shout out to Becca ;))
The amazing new friends I have met
Hiking every weekend
75 degree weather today
The most wonderful family anyone could ever have, even though I'm so far away and missing out on every family gathering now
The best sisters on earth
The opportunity to go to grad school
And of course, let us never forget, the most majestic and glorious mountains that I get to see every morning as I rise and every evening as I go to bed

Praise be to Him, the Creator of all that is, was, and is to come! Praise be to the Shepherd, the Savior, the Protector, the Defender, our Strength, and the reason for our song! All praise be to our Glorious Father!

Story and Loneliness

I've been thinking a lot about two different themes lately. The first is the idea of story. I've always loved stories. When I was little, the worst punishment my mom would give was to take away my book. The way you get to know a character through hearing the story of their life has always grasped my attention and drawn me in. This is a huge part of why counseling is something I'm excited about. To me, the biggest part of counseling is sitting and letting someone give voice to their story. When someone hears that you have a degree in counseling, it often opens a door to their heart and they allow you access to the depth of their journey. And I love hearing their stories. I love valuing and treasuring their stories as I learn about them. I love giving them the safe space to give voice to their stories. Because, to me, story is central to who we are. We are our stories. 

I think this also spills over into the idea of friendship. Friendship is about being with people who know you and love you still. But what does it mean to be truly known? I don't think you can truly know someone without knowing at least some of their story. I used to always ask people to tell me their stories. I haven't done that in awhile. And that makes me incredibly sad. I think it's my fear that stops me. The fear that someone will think I'm weird for asking that (which has definitely happened before) or find me too interested in their life and push away. And the lack of story is what leads to my second theme.

Loneliness. It's interesting because I have made friends here. And they are awesome people who I'm excited to get to know more and I love spending time with. But if you asked me who their best friend is or what they did over their summers growing up or how they made it through high school, I would have no idea. And I get that that's part of life. I didn't grow up with them. I uprooted my whole life to move somewhere new- I have to start over. It makes sense. But I'm beginning to realize how lucky I was back home. I had people who had known me from my childhood, people who walked with me through wilderness trips where I was at my worst and I thought I was going to die (yes I was a bit dramatic about my Honey Rock wilderness trips), people who knew my family and how important and close they are to me, people who knew my story. 

People often talk or sing about feeling alone in a crowded room, having people surrounding you, but feeling completely alone. And I get that. And I think at times it's almost worse than actually being alone. There is a desperation to be known and to know. There is a desire for shared memories. There is a need to share your story and know their story. The hopeful side of this is that there is so much to share, so much to learn, so many memories to make. I have so many friends that I'm excited to create new stories alongside. I have so many people whose past stories I can't wait to hear. There is so much hope and joy in the new and the unknown! That's why I love to move!

That is to say, this is not a blog to cry out my sorrows and declare that I am always lonely and so sad. This is not the case. I feel blessed. I have friends. Yes, I feel lonely because people don't fully know me or my story. But that's just one dimension of my life. This morning in church I was reminded that no one can ever know me as fully as God does. So what does it mean to really let that truth fill our lives? What does it mean to know that we are the most well known we can ever be at every moment of our lives because our Creator, our Sustainer, and our Guide knows us thoroughly. And how can we draw near to Him and know Him better? One way is by continuing to hear His story- the one that is offered in His Holy Word and the nature surrounding us. The story that fills every person around us. His story is in each of us and we can only know it better when we listen to the stories of those around us. So, I am going to return to asking the question, "What is your story?" And I pray that I will learn more about the story of God in the stories of the lives around me while I create some deeper and more founded friendships in my beautiful, joyful, exciting, warm, and friendly (new) home.