Rejoicing in Finding Welcome

You know I'm getting used to living here when in conversation with a friend, Denver is naturally referred to as the flatlands and it makes sense. And I am getting used to living here. I'm learning to get around without my google maps app. I know where more things are. It is all starting to look familiar. But that doesn't make it boring. I still look out my window and see the mountains and get a thrill of excitement. Every time I'm driving home and I round that last bend and see the city, my heart gets happy. I love living here. I've never been a fan of the city before. And what I really love about Denver is the mountains and all the outdoors stuff. But something about this wonderful, small, friendly city is home to me. Probably because it's where my home is… And I am loving the joy it brings!

Many of you have been asking about my new house. I'm loving it. The women are fabulous. I'm starting to form some friendships within the house. I live with beautifully affirming, encouraging, and supportive women. They are so real and genuine about their struggles and because of that they are so accepting of all those around them. As I mentioned recently, life is so messy and I'm working through a lot of stuff. And with these women that's ok. I've been told several times in the past few days how glad they are that I'm here. They just make me feel so welcomed and loved. And I am so excited as they are beginning to open up with me and share their stories. What an honor to be trusted with these deep and difficult life stories! 

I'm also rejoicing in the fact that I now have a home church. I am making lots of wonderful friends there. I am diving in and getting involved so that I have this church family. There are so many opportunities to be involved and to fellowship together. I've been to a connecting dinner, a football game between two local high schools that several of the youth in the church play for, a youth group event, and this Sunday I'm going to be in the Kindergarten and 1st grade Sunday school class. I'm just checking it all out and loving everything I see. I've found a mentor and several friends there already. The people are wonderfully accepting and welcoming. I have already been welcomed into an awesome family with four kids, three of whom are adopted- one has hair just like Grace so I went over and braided it for her last Sunday in exchange for lunch. :) They are lovely and are really providing a place for me to belong. I love the value on kids in the church. In fact, it reminds me a lot of Rez, the church I went to the last few months I was in Wheaton. And I love that.

I'm also starting to make friends! Yay! Haha! It's been a slow process. I've had Wheaton friends here which has been a huge blessing, but I'm finally starting to make friends at school and at church and that is exciting. I feel like I have more than my 5 Wheaton people now (Not that they haven't been incredible and amazing. Cause they have. It's just exciting to have a larger community around me now.)! :) All in all I'm pretty excited about life these days. I mean I'm still struggling with a lot of the stuff I wrote about a couple posts ago and I will be for awhile. I've got a ton to work through. I think this year still holds a lot of deep challenge and growth for me. But in the midst of this brokenness I am finding joy because I have found a community with which to surround myself so that I am no longer lonely in this journey. And that makes all the difference. 

Excitement!

Lovely friends and family,

First I apologize for the overload of blog posts this month. I am nearly certain that this will be the last one for October. But I have some exciting news to share! I will be moving this week! And I found out today. And I am rather overexcited about this new move. I don't know how many details I can give, but in short I will be moving into a home owned by a ministry in downtown Denver. I will be living in a house with a house director and four women who are trying to find a new place in the world. I believe this is the first time this ministry has invited someone outside of the ministry to live in one of these houses as far as I understand, so it will be new for both me and them. It is a very exciting opportunity for me and I couldn't be more thrilled! I have no official role or responsibilities in this house (other than normal household chores). I will be paying rent and have no obligation to work for the ministry or anything. I am welcome to join in the women's lives as much or as little as possible. I am hopeful that I will be able to join in their lives enough to form relationships. I plan to fellowship over dinner with them regularly and spend time with them many evenings in order to become a part of their home and their lives. I will be living close to a good friend of mine here as well which is quite exciting for both of us. She works for and lives in the ministry homes as well, so we are excited to be in this community together. Praise God for this awesome opportunity in this new home!

In the midst of my joy and enthusiasm, I would also love a bit of prayer. :) This opportunity just came up last week and I just confirmed today that I would in fact take it. They would like me to move in by November 1st. Which happens to be Friday. It also happens to be the first day of a lovely friend's visit to Denver! While I am very excited for his visit and plan to use him in my moving process (Thanks in advance Zach. You're the best!), it will be a bit of a chaotic week. I'm working to get homework done before all this commences (as you can see by the fact that I'm writing a blog post, I am excelling at this) as well as start packing and moving some of my stuff into the house. However, I'm not sure it's all going to get done and I know I will be a bit overwhelmed. So all your prayer is appreciated!

I think that's about all! Oh and for those of you fabulous people who have been writing me letters, please do not let this deter you. (Side note- I'm not sure what's going on with my vocabulary in this post. I think it's due to my level of enthusiasm. I hope you find it enjoyable.) Just text me and I will send you an address to which you can mail letters! Yay! Thanks for joining in my excitement! Have a lovely evening all!

Beauty from Ashes...but for now Mostly Ashes

I’ve always thought that I was a relatively genuine and real person. Lately I’ve been finding out rather quickly that that is not necessarily true. I’m pretty good at putting up a façade. These past couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with this and working on setting a goal for change. My goal that I want to be working towards is one of freedom from pretense, the ability to sit in my brokenness and not feel the need to hide it. What I’ve found to be incredible is how much grace I can have towards everyone in the world but myself. I am so ready to forgive everyone and love everyone, but the minute I fail to be perfect, I beat myself up. As Christians, we are raised to be our best and that’s what we should be. But we need to be teaching each other and ourselves what it looks like to have grace for ourselves and for others in the church. How can we understand God’s grace fully when our ideas of grace are so flawed? The idea behind this post is the thought that I want to be free to be broken. But that can’t happen without grace, for myself and from others. First comes grace, then comes freedom, and then brokenness can be accepted and acceptable.

You see this has been a rough year for me. It’s been a really incredible year and I never want to minimize the many blessings that I’ve received this year. But that’s not what this is about. This is about the brokenness that this year has brought. I’ve made some bad decisions. My heart has often and is still often not in the right place. I’ve deeply hurt some people that I really love and been hurt deeply as well. I’ve lost a best friend who I miss a lot and it was because of my selfishness that the friendship fell apart. I left a lot of close friends and family members in Wheaton to move to Denver. There have been some hard transitions and some growth experiences brought on by my own decisions. My heart feels a little torn apart at the moment. And coming to seminary I didn’t let my heart stay that way. I felt the need to cover up the brokenness, to hide all this crap under the carpet, to look like I had it all put together. Because if you’re going to seminary, you do right? It’s funny. My group therapy class (which is pretty much learning group therapy by being in group therapy) talked last week about the fact that since we’ve all been at seminary God’s been breaking each of us down like crazy. One girl said, “It’s like you give all your money to the seminary and God’s like, ‘Oooh yay! Let’s do this!’” Yet you never see this because everyone is afraid to show that they are not perfectly living for Christ wholeheartedly because the church expects these seminarians to be the best Christians imaginable. And while there is a legitimate conversation to be had about leadership in the faith, that’s not what this blog is about nor what I feel needs to be my focus at the moment.

It’s interesting- when I’m struggling tends to be when my face breaks out pretty bad. So these past couple months I’ve woken up every morning and put on the cover up because I would hate for people to see the zits on my face. That’s the picture God used to wake me up my fakeness. One morning He just said, “Look at the face you put on every morning. Forget it. Just be real.” I’m tired of being fake. My cry is this: “Oh love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee!” And there I stop because for now that’s as far as I can get in that song. My soul is weary. So now, in this weariness, I’m trying to figure out what the heck it means to be real and live vulnerably and honestly in the brokenness. In my CE classes we talked about it a lot. To quote one of the wisest men I know, I am living in the tension. I have so much hope and positivity and I trust that healing will come. But in this moment, I want to be real while not losing that positivity that is central to me. And I have absolutely no idea what that means or what that looks like. But I just want you all to know that I do not have it all put together. I am at seminary and I am hoping to spend my life doing missions. But that will never mean that I have it all put together. Because that’s not what life is about. The point is not that I’ll follow Him perfectly, but that I’ll follow Him no matter what. We have these high expectations for our pastors and people in ministry. We expect them to be better than us. But the thing is they are just as human as us. And we should never ever expect perfection or anything like it from them. Life is about the journey of growth for everyone. And this journey is not a straight line, but a cycle. We think we’ve dealt with things, but somewhere down the road they come back in a new way. Because as long as we live on earth sin and temptation will never be gone from us. We will never fully overcome them. Even as pastors and missionaries. But praise the Lord that our hope is not in our ability to overcome them and to “succeed” in life, but in the fact that Jesus already overcame and is our salvation and only hope.

So the hope I will cling to until more healing comes is this: “Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’ve come. And I hope by Thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home.” I am clinging to the testimony that God has brought me this far and has carried me in His love. And I know He will bring me safely home one day. And until then He is with me always no matter what storms I walk through. So as I said at the beginning of this semester:

Jesus draw me ever nearer as I labor through the storm. You have called me to this passage and I’ll follow though I’m worn. May this journey bring a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith. And at the end of my heart’s testing with your likeness let me wake. Jesus, guide me through the tempest; keep my spirit staid and sure. When the midnight meets the morning, let me love you even more. May this journey bring a blessing. May I rise on wings of faith; and at the end of my heart's testing, with your likeness let me wake. Let the treasures of the trial form within me as I go; and at the end of this long passage let me leave them at your throne. May this journey bring a blessing. May I rise on wings of faith; and at the end of my heart's testing, with your likeness let me wake.

Home

What is home? This past week I've been greeted with the words: "Welcome home!!!" in three different locations. And I know in my heart that each of these is my home. And yet none of them are. I'm both confused and certain, unsettled and excited about home and what it means. Home is such a special concept. It's where my soul is welcomed and I know I belong. And ultimately I'm not going to find that in its perfection here on earth. But the reason I have so many homes is that there are places on this earth where I feel the welcome deeply and I know that this is indeed where I belong for this time. This stirs the longing inside me for my true home and brings so much joy. Because if home can feel this good here, how much better will it feel there?! I guess this is just turning into a journal of how all my travels have made me feel. But today I felt it was worth saying. I guess that's what this blog started off as anyways: travels. Oh how interrelated the concepts of travel and home are. I guess all I'm really saying is that going to Wheaton was going home. There are so many people who I truly know and who truly know me, people I would do anything for and know I can count on to do the same. Wheaton is the place where I grew up, I know it like the back of my hand. I don't need my google maps app there. :)  It will always hold a piece of my heart, especially as long as so many of my treasured loved ones live there. I rejoiced to be there and I left feeling blessed and content. I had been welcomed and loved. God revealed himself to me and spoke to me of heaven in relationships and the familiarity of that which my spirit knows and recognizes. But I arrived home in Denver and knew again that that's what it was. Home.  I saw my already beloved mountains that speak daily of his majesty and create a deep excitement to see how heaven could be more beautiful than this. I drove on the roads that are becoming familiar, hiked on a gorgeous path, and sat with a friend as we soaked in Gods presence here in our new home.  And I resonated with the Philip Phillips lyrics that God has been speaking to me these past few weeks "just know you're not alone cause I'm gonna make this place your home." But tonight I arrived in Pepperell, MA, a town that has long been near to my heart, and was again welcomed home. This place always amazes me. First, it's the place where my dads side of the family normally gathers for holidays so it holds a lot of memories with a lot of very special people who I love deeply. But it's even more. I always know I have a home here. There are several homes growing up where I learned how to care for others and be a good hostess. But this home was where that lesson of true hospitality no matter what that means was driven home most deeply. This is also the place I picture when I picture my ideal morning quiet time with God. Heaven sometimes looks to me like Auntie Sue and Uncle Bills back porch, sipping a cup of coffee, a dog or two at my feet, watching the sun rise over the beautiful fields. These three places- they are home. Not just because of what they are to me here, but because of the deep longing they awaken for that true home when all the pieces of my very separate homes can be pulled together in the place that my soul truly hungers for when I seek home. And until then, I rejoice that I can be in three of my beautiful homes in one week. Praise God for airplanes! So much joy.

Denver

I like it here. Lightning storms in the mountains are my favorite- when you look west and it flashes down into the beautiful blue shadowed mountains and lights them up. Actually anytime looking west brings me joy. Sometimes I worry I'll accidentally drive too far and not realize it until I'm in the mountains because the beauty is so distracting. Especially in the twilight hours when they are just shadows. But also when the sun is sending rays of light into them, which is almost every day. I love the sunshine. I like the way it's sunny even when it rains. Except for when it takes me by surprise and I don't realize it's raining until I'm wet. That's always a bit unfortunate, yet fun. I like the beauty of the cloudy days too. It's pretty much gorgeous no matter what here. Every time I look up I'm reminded of God's incredible power and majesty and creativity. I could stay here awhile. Denver is a joyful place; a peaceful place despite its busyness. I like it here.

That doesn't really tell you anything about my life though, I suppose. It's been a bit of an adventure. My Mama and I arrived in Denver on Thursday the 15th of August. We visited lots of people and hiked a mountain and just spent time together until Sunday morning when I took her to the airport. Our friend very generously offered us room in her one bedroom apartment and that's where I stayed from the 15th to the 25th. During this time I was trying to find housing. God provided an incredible blessing through two wonderful people- Robin and George- who wanted to bless a seminary student by allowing one to live in their basement for free. I found them and visited their home on Friday, was invited to live with them on Saturday, and moved in on Sunday. Since Sunday I have had a bed to sleep in, a dog to play with, and a wonderful family to join. Praise the Lord!

That was God's perfect timing, because Monday was the first day of class! So it was nice to have a home by then. I had three classes on Monday from 8-3:45 (with a break for chapel from 11-11:50). Mondays will be long days. Then on Tuesday I had two classes from 1-4:50. I'm pretty excited about my classes, but I know that this will not be an easy time. I knew coming into seminary that it would be time consuming and that would be good, but I still managed to be shocked at the amount of work. I was planning on nannying as much as possible during the week and now I am seeing that I need at least two full days each week to get all my reading done, and probably more than that. I feel that this will be an incredible time of growth and challenge in my life and I'm pretty excited about it. Remind me of that in a few months please! I can see how easily I may grow weary. There's a song that we sang during my last week at Church of the Rez in Wheaton, that in that moment stuck with me and I wasn't sure why because I didn't need it at that time. I've since realized, it wasn't for that time. I feel that it was something that I'm supposed to hold onto and that will become a theme for this season. It will be a good season despite its difficulties and I hope that you, my sweet and supportive family and friends, will continue to join with me on my journey as I desire to continue with you on yours. May my song for this time at grad school bless you as much as it blesses me and may you come to claim this prayer as your own:

Jesus draw me ever nearer,
As I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
And I'll follow though I'm worn.
May this journey bring a blessing.
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.
Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love you even more.
May this journey bring a blessing.
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.
Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go,
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at your throne.
May this journey bring a blessing.
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.

Looking Back While Moving Forward

As graduation was approaching, I had a lot of people remind me of how much I didn’t want to go to college. They were asking me if I was happy that I ultimately decided to come to Wheaton. Four years ago around this time I was in Ensenada, Mexico finishing up a Discipleship Training School with YWAM, telling my parents I did not ever want to go to school again. They weren’t big fans of that and in the end I realized that I needed to respect them and trust in their wisdom. So I bitterly left Mexico and went to Wheaton College. But oh how the feelings have changed! 

Freshman year was rough, but looking back I wouldn’t even give up that year. I met some of my best friends during that time. I met the incredible women that I would continue to live with and be blessed by over the next several years. That summer I got to take classes at one of my favorite places in the world- Honey Rock Camp- and meet another wonderful best friend. Sophomore year friendships grew deeper and more real and I began to be a little bit more invested in my Wheaton experience. One or two new best friends entered the scene and I was again blessed by the incredible friendships in my life. That summer I had the opportunity to lead Passage, a program for incoming freshmen, at Honey Rock, where I met eight more amazing young women. What a blessing these ladies have been in my life since then. That was the turning point when my Wheaton experience began to become one of my favorite times of my life. Junior year I began to take more Christian Education and Ministry classes and for the first time in my life I began to love school! And as soon as I was incredibly happy and content at Wheaton, I knew that I could leave because I knew I’d be back. So with that, I spent an incredibly challenging and growing semester with YWAM again. I returned and that summer I led Passage again, and this time I was not only blessed with 9 wonderful freshmen, but with a co-leader who has become yet another best friend and huge blessing in my life. Senior year was a phenomenal time of diving even deeper into friendships and discovering more and more and how wonderful my friends are, and, as it comes to a close, I am having an incredibly hard time saying good-bye. But my mama, who knows me so very well, blessed me in a massive way with her graduation gift. She asked many of my closest friends and some family members to write me letters for graduation. (For those of you who were not given this opportunity, don’t feel left out! ;) My address this summer is 215 W. Jefferson Wheaton, IL 60187 and letters are my favorite things in the world.) These letters have been helping me move forward. First, they have been helpful reflections on relationships and events in my past, but they have also been filled with words from very wise people encouraging me about my future. I hope that you can be blessed by this excerpt from one of these letters written by a very dear and wise friend: “I also hope that as He makes you aware of all that He has already done in and through you, your expectancy for what is yet to come will increase. Greater things have yet to come, greater things have still to be done here. I sense that there are greater things ahead…. And as our love for Him increases and our understanding of Him deepens, each new season has a sweetness to it. Just as nothing will be able to compare with your season at Wheaton, I believe nothing will be able to compare to the seasons that await you because they each have a different purpose and beauty about them.” We all go through a variety of seasons in our lives and each has its own purpose and beauty. How awesome is that?!

So, to all of you who have been asking- Yes! I am so incredibly happy that I decided to come to Wheaton. I am beyond grateful for each friendship that I have had the blessing of being part of and for the ones that will continue for the rest of my life. I will forever cherish so many happy memories from my time at Wheaton. Mama and Daddy, you were right and I was wrong. Wheaton was one of the biggest blessings of my life and I am so grateful for your wise counsel and guidance in my life. I’m so sad that it is now a part of my past, but I am excited to see what the future holds. So after spending time looking back and knowing a little bit better what to hold onto and bring with me, I look ahead and step onto the next part of my path. Thank you all for journeying with me and loving me along the way. What incredible friends and family I have!

But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God!’ My future is in your hands.” – Psalm 31:14-15

The Future!

Well, many have you been asking me all year about what is next. I apologize for the many eye rolls and  weak responses you may have received. I am finally ready to give you all a real answer! Throughout last semester I felt God nudging me to consider gad school. I mentioned it somewhat jokingly to my mom for the first time at the beginning of the year and she said, "I'm sorry is this my daughter that always hated school and really didn't want to go to college?" and we laughed together. But gradually God put it on my heart more and more.

As I said in my last post, over fall break I went to Guatemala to visit an orphanage called The Oasis. I loved it there. I thought it would be an incredible fit for me. I was almost sure right away that I wanted to go there. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I want to give these girls the very best of me. My passion is to help these girls sort through their past and figure out their future. My desire is to love them to the best of my ability. And I realized that there is space for more learning in my life so that I may best serve them. I realize that I will never feel fully prepared to jump into a situation like this no matter what I do, but I also know that in this situation there is a way for me to be better prepared. So I started looking into grad school programs. I found several that I liked and over Christmas break I narrowed it down a little bit more.

Then I went to the Passion conference. This is a big Christian conference hosted by Louie Giglio in Atlanta, Georgia. There were about 60,000 young people (seniors in high school through 25 year olds) meeting in the Georgia Dome praising God together. The theme of the conference this year was freedom. We focused in on modern day slavery which happens to be one of the things that gets me most riled up. We talked about how many people around the world (and in America) still are forced into slavery, especially in the business of prostitution. Passion was filled with wonderful speakers and musicians, but what struck me the most was one of the last sessions we had. There was a round table discussion between people who worked with all aspects of social justice seeking to bring freedom to the slaves. And as each one spoke, I all of a sudden absolutely knew that God was calling me to at least apply to go to grad school for some form of Christian counseling program. While I don't think it's at all necessary to have a degree to make a difference (I have a TON of incredible friends who did not go to college and are moving mountains with Jesus all over the world!), I realized through this round table discussion how many doors can open when you do study more.

So the last week of Christmas break I did the last thing I would ever have imagined and applied to three grad programs: Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary's Master of Arts in Christian Counseling, Denver Seminary's Master of Arts in Counseling Ministries, and Fuller Theological Seminary's Master of Arts in Family Studies. The Denver program was my first choice because the program was most in line with my interest and passion. I love the way it combines counseling with Christian ministry. Last Friday I heard from Denver that I was accepted into their program and this Friday I called them to pay my enrollment fee. I will be starting orientation at Denver Seminary on August 23, 2013! The program will last between 2-3 years, so that is where I will be for the next few years. :) I hope you are excited to hear this answer. I know that I am SUPER excited to give it to you! Thank you for all your care and prayers over the past few years. I will definitely still be needing it as I venture into the crazy world of grad school and the future beyond that.